9.8.03

funny quotes

Hehe... I got these in an email forward and thought they were funny enough to put on here....

FUNNY QUOTES

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone s me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield. 

 "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin. 

 "I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton. 

 "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson. 

 "The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.

 "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams. 

 "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright. 

 "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.

 "I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
George Bush

 "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

 "Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
Geoff Arbuthnot

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey. 

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

 "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy. 

 "Now they show you how detergents take out stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a stain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld. 

 "A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan. 

 "Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

 "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks. 

 "I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips. 

 "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright. 

 "Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper

 "Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan

 "At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore

 "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I plants."
A. Whitney Brown

 "I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling

 "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
George Burns

 "If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for ssistance."
United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

 "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
Homer Simpson

 "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
Winston Churchill

 "Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
>Joan Rivers

 "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol

 "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett

 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).

 "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

"When you are courting a nice an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a - cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
Albert Einstein

 "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
Stephen King

 "If it weren't for the , Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry

 "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Richard Jeni

 "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte

 "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford

Thats all folks its getting late and I'm going to bed! Night!

~Melissa

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